the traffic light says green…

 

i don’t like it when she cries because i can’t stop my tears from falling down my eyes too..

it’s been so long since i last saw those teardrops streaming down her gentle face..

but i guess each one of us in our family has suppressed emotions..

and at some point we just can’t stop hiding and pretending and eventually tears will fall..

funny thing was, we were at jollibee..

*laughs*

have you ever thought of how it feels like to be with someone you love..
iv’e always dreamt of things like that..
the first magical moment of drawing our eyes together..
the first hi’s and hello’s..
i’ve always fantasized of meeting my prince charming..
the one who will readily sweep me off my feet..
but,
as i ponder and ruminate on those things,
i can’t help but ask why it took him so long..
up until now, i haven’t found the very boy who will make me happy..
who will treat me like a princess and protect me with all his majesty..
i sometimes envy those girls who can have any boy she wants..
like from the first look, would doodle away and act like a puppy..
not that i wanted it to be like that..
whenever i look in the mirror,
i see an image of a blissful lass, but somehow,
when i closely look at it,
i see an image of a little girl who longs to be loved..
who longs to be treated with magnificence and gentleness…
i don’t wanna think it this way,
but it often comes to my mind, am i that unpretty?!
am i that unattractive or is there something wrong with my personality,
that those things hinder him from looking at me as a lady..
i’ve always been on the average, on the mundane
and i’ve been hidden in my shell for quite some time..
at times, i see nothing special in me..
that i’m a nobody and that nothing would change if i will be free..

but then,
i may be considered as one of those ugly ducklings,
someway and somehow,
i could turn out to be the most beautiful swan you’ll ever see..

Filipinos were always been thought to be fast learners, however as years pass by, it has declined much significantly. Before, most of the children used to go to school but now, they are found in the streets selling, if not, begging for money or for food. It is such a pity seeing them like that when you know that at that age, they should be well taken cared of, guided by elders and honed to become better individuals. To have a good education was supposed to be the right of every Filipino citizen, however as time goes by, it has only been a privilege for those who can afford and those who have adequate resources. Schools are very limited to accommodate so many students each year and there is no budget provided by the government to build new schools for children. Education is not the priority of the Philippine government nor is it the second one. This is perhaps the reason why even if the Department of Education wants to find solutions for the scarcity of schools and books, they can never push through with some of their ideas since there are limited resources. Not only is there a scarcity of schools and books but also, there is a shortage of teachers. The number of teachers has declined since some of them opt to teach abroad due to the fact that there is a very small salary here in the country. The minimum wage could not afford to raise them from poverty and salary here is not enough to meet the needs of each member of the family. And with the limited budget, employment rate is significantly low. Also, since more and more teachers are going abroad, their expertises are brought with them. Those left behind are not competent enough to teach and render good quality education. Some of them are just teaching for the sake of earning money and not about helping the next generation and honing them to become the saving grace of the nation. The burning passion to teach cannot be seen in their eyes and they only see teaching as a job and not as something which they can dedicate their lives to. Also, more and more students from private schools have transferred to public schools since the parents cannot afford anymore to send them to private schools. With this, there is additional percent to children studying in public schools and it poses another problem. One solution that they did for this is that they created double shifts. There are morning classes and afternoon classes. However, I believe that this is not enough for a growing and curious child. A child needs more and more time to learn and the given period is not adequate for better learning. Also, teachers would be so tired that they cannot make the most out of their abilities. They cannot teach well and would just resort to giving activities thus having less input to the part of the child. This is such a very sad reality for all of us. The children were supposed to be the hope of the nation, but what will happen if this problem persists? I believe that action should be done immediately before further damage can be inflicted.

a lot has been going in my mind for the past few days.. so many questions, what if’s, insights, realizations and the like..these thoughts seem to bother me once in awhile and the more i think about it, the more confused i get.. and to add up, the more i try to shove it away my thoughts, the more it comes back to my senses.. yes, it keeps me standing still however, it hinders me from moving on and going forward to where i want my life to be.. that is, if ever i really know what i want and where to go.. but the point is, if i keep on dwelling with the bad things and the misfortunes of life and keep on rationalizing and justifying my actions, i’d miss out on the good things and the fun that life has to offer.. what more, i’d truly miss out on the joy and wonder of unfolding the mysteries and revealing the secrets of our existence.. so before i get the hang of things and before these thoughts start to get into my being, i’ll be taking some time off.. indeed, i’ll be going somewhere far from home for the first time ALONE!!.. but the truth of the matter is, i’ll be going to the "city who took my father away.."  it gives me the creeps thinking about it but it’s time to face it.. and trust me, there will be more mind-boggling thoughts and soul-searching.. but who cares, i’m in for the surprises of my life..=)

unanswered prayer..or perhaps God’s way of telling me to WAIT.. wait, my child, wait.. it is true that when something you’ve wanted all your life is once again taken away from you, it’s not so easy to find ways to be grateful.. i’m no hypocrite by readily telling people that there’s a purpose behind every situation and that things will be ok in an instant.. we always pass by a phase when all we can ever think of is to question our worth and dignity as a person.. things don’t always go by the way we want it to be.. indeed, it’s true, but it’s easier to accept when you’ve went through that once but somehow, when the cycle repeats itself all over again, i tell you, it’s never that easy.. i can’t help but think if luck would ever find my way.. luck, fortune, good vibes or whatever you call it.. admittedly though, even if i have a hundred reasons to give up, i still have a thousand to hold on and believe that there is something behind all of these things.. that even if how mysterious God’s works are, it is always on our favor.. that one of these days, i can find the answers that my mind is looking for and that someday, i can find the happiness and contentment that i have been longing and one day, all of my prayers, as well as yours will be answered..=)

i’m home! i’m back again to the place where i belong.. i’ve been away for five days, (it’s as if i’ve been gone for a year..haha.. ok, it’s less than a week) to go on duty in digos, davao del sur, a one-hour travel away from davao.. we were assigned in digos doctor’s hospital nusring station 4 and we were so damn lucky.. census of patients would range from 5 to 10.. haha.. since it was a super private area of the hospital so only a few can afford.. some patients who were admitted there would immediately request to transfer in cheaper rooms.. so, in the end, we were left with only a few patients.. thank God!..=) with that number, we were tasked to do everything for the patient, chart, medicate, bedside care and everything and anything that we can do.. so lucky! definitely.. in our dormitory, i felt like we were in the pinoy big brother since we were not allowed to go out unless it’s really important.. there, i learned a lot of household chores.. from washing my clothes to ironing them and being responsible enough to clean my mess and of course, i definitley learned how to budget, budget, and budget! hahaha..=p though during our whole stay there, we just ate and ate and ate and slept.. haha..=p it’s not so bad to be away from home since i learned how to take care of myself and be independent..i’m always a spoiled brat whenever i’m home.. haha.. so this experience taught me a lot.. i don’t really have much to say.. all i know is that i’m happy to be back in my room, my comfortable bed with all the pillows, happy to be with my family again back to being a spoiled brat, nah just kidding… simply put, i’m just so happy to be HOME..=)

intensive care unit=check.. hahaha..=p at long last, we were already finished with our duty in the davao medical center intensive care unit.. i don’t know why i badly wanted it to end when in fact the patient we handled was just so sweet and we learned a lot.. and i do mean, a lot.. ok, so maybe the reason why i want that grueling shift to end because of our monstrous clinical instructor.. forgive me for using the term.. but in my point of view, she is just so annoying and she degrades the confidence and motivation that we have in order to work at our best.. she treats us as if we are like pieces of shit since she wants to be the best there, blah, blah, blah.. she acts as if she’s the NOD there.. ugh! and she can’t see any goodness in other people especially in her students.. we are always WRONG in her eyes.. whenever she teaches a procedure, she teaches as if she’s nagging with a tone of superiority and arrogance.. also, whenever doctors and watchers arrive, she acts as if she’s this angel from heaven.. ugh! ggrrr!! oh my! i’ve never been the type to hold grudges to a person but i can’t really take it anymore.. at least i wrote all down my feelings here than say it right infront of her face.. that would be such a mean thing to do and i won’t resort to that.. haha.. oh lord! forgive me for all these angry outbursts.. anyways, enough of that.. i learned how to do ngt feeding, cbg monitoring, shampoo in bed and bed bath as quick as possible..also, i learned how to operate the gadgets there.. save me from ignorance! haha..=p i admit it’s really different performing it in a return demonstration than in the actual.. icu requires all its nurses to be swift and quick in doing all the procedures since we are dealing with critical patients here and one wrong move can put the life of a person at stake.. i also learned never to hesitate in doing a procedure and to always have confidence and trust in oneself.. after all, no one’s gonna motivate you other than yourself.. being responsible and having presence of mind are some of the things that i really learned.. it takes patience, hard work , knowledge, critical thinking and dedication to survive in this kind of profession.. and i admit, it’s not that easy when so many forces are trying to pull you down.. sometimes, we just have to learn things the hard way.. but perhaps, it’s not always a disadvantage for after everything, emotions and feelings will just come and go but the learnings that we gained in this experience would stick with us for the rest of our lives..:) at least, there’s something to be happy about.. cheers!