the traffic light says green…

March 28, 2008

eulogy for daddy…

Filed under: life..

eulogy for daddy

june 15, 2007

st. jude parish


this day marks the beginning of a new life..

this very day is a start of things that are yet to come.

this is the birth of yet another journey for mr. jaime i. sullano. jr.

daddy, dongdong ,jimmy, sir jim or jaime perhaps.

we have been blessed by a person who never ceased to hope and to believe.

who looked beyond the horizons, who hopes for all good things for his family and friends

and who never forgets to welcome you with a big smile, a warm hug and a good joke.

it is true that kids are never given the chance to choose their parents, but i am very much grateful

that the Lord God has brought us to someone whom i know not perfect but someone who is just as perfect and just as right for us

someone who never fails to give us a pat in the back, little words of encouragement, support in the things we do,

someone who lifts our spirits up whenever we feel down, who works extra hard just so we could have the things we need and the things we want.,

someone who gives pride in his children and someone who boasts them to his friends.

upon asked of the wonderful memories that i have shared with daddy, a million memories flashed through my mind..

a million of them but each one has touched my heart and each one will always be remembered..

who would ever forget the piggyback rides he gives me from the room to the c.r every morning

way back my younger years just so i would take a bath and go to school..

i’d always love those and to get it the next day, i’d pretend i don’t want to go to school just so that i could have

my piggyback ride..

i would never forget the feeling of anticipation upon knowing that daddy will be arriving home from work out of town..

i would patiently wait by the window or if not, at the sound of the opening of the gate, i would immediately go out from my room to greet him..

who would ever forget the family dinners we have everytime he’s home.,very seldom but very much memorable each time

or perhaps just the simple walk in and out of the subdivision talking about

anything and everything under the sun..

i would never forget the way he says to me how lovely and how beautiful i am and even if i’m at my lowest of times, it never ever fails to put a smile on my face..

i guess it’s just how daddies are with their little girls.. indeed, it makes me giddy..

i would always remember the smile on his face whenever he cracks jokes, and this he usually does..

and the time he sang to me a song in the grocery store he said he would sing if ever i had a debut celebration..

it goes with a line "is this the little girl i once carried?"

and at the sound of that, i was trying so hard to hide the tears that are falling down my eyes..

i know they are just small things but each small thing shared with him is very much worthwhile..

true enough, they are just small things that usually go unnoticed but in reality, they’re the ones that keep us going..

he loved us so much and indeed did a very great job in uniting our family.. that even with all the trials and challenges we have faced,

still, we endured all of those.. we made it through all the rigors of life.. he raised his three children, along with my mom

with pride and dignity.. he believed in the power of God and he never ever surrendered..

i salute him for his loyalty to mama.. through thick and thin, they remained strong.. and i know that whatever happens, his love for her

is beyond compare.. i would always remember the way my dad sings and dedicates a song for mama during videoke time..

they look like young couples again with occasional glances here and there and he never fails to do that whenever he gets hold of a microphone..

i have seen him become a MAN for my two older brothers, kuya michael and kuya kenneth, how he became a role model for them and one way or another,

how he taught them to be strong and on how to be a real MAN.. 

true, there were misunderstandings but i know, those are just signs of his love and concern for all of us..

an obedient child to his parents and a loving brother to his siblings who never fails to check them..

a jolly good fellow he is to his family, relatives and friends.. in other words, he, daddy, is the life of the party..

reunions will always be a blast with him as an emcee..

very popular from all kinds of ages.. from adults, singles, teenagers and even young kids..

he really has his own way of dealing with the people he crosses path with..

indeed a very good soul who values each and every person he meets along the way..

i know our family is not very much fond of showing what we feel, of saying i love you’s and i miss you’s,

in fact, i have only said i love you personally to my dad once.. it was a very wonderful feeling

but perhaps it is one of my regrets not saying it as often as i should be..

but that doesn’t mean that i don’t love him..

if you could only open my heart right now, you will see how my heart wants to shout to the whole world how much i value and how much i love my daddy..

i want to show to you all how good my daddy is and that everything i’ll do, i’ll dedicate it to him..

and i know that our family, mama, kuya michael, and kuya kenneth wants to to do the same..

thank you for each and everyone present here joining with us in this celebration..

i know daddy has one way or another touched your hearts and i know that you hold in a space in your hearts whatever memory you shared and

whatever remembrance he has left you..

i know he is happy watching all of us gathered here and i know that wherever he may be right now, he holds a smile on his face knowing

that many people care and knowing that he has touched many lives..

as for all of us present here and for daddy..

the journey continues..

this voyage, our voyage goes on..

as for me, whatever happens, i am and will always be my daddy’s little girl

and i would patiently wait for the day that he’d sing me that song again..

March 26, 2008

thoughts..

Filed under: thoughts..

there’s always a downside in everything..
believe me..
because you think you already know all there is to know..
but,
you’re wrong..
you think you’re part of their lives..
well,
you should think again..
you’ve wasted your time thinking you were someone,
when in fact,
truth be told,
people have lives of their own and they don’t even give a damn..
you were consumed by your own thoughts,
oh,
the visions of what the mind creates..
but,,
wake up..
…because..,everything only happened in your mind…

March 25, 2008

nice feeling..

Filed under: thoughts..

even though things are quite back to normal..
there’s always this something that will disturb you..
it goes back to your senses once in awhile..
yes, it’s been like a month after all those things happened..
i was able to cope up and go on with my life..
new persons i have met and new experiences i have done..
there are a lot of things to be happy about..
you go on with your life, the daily things you do..
and you do it with a smile on your face..
but then, when you are on your own again..
i must say, bitterness still envelopes my soul..
i’m still angry for all the things that happened..
for all the lies i’ve heard..
for all the promises left broken..
for all the pains brought by him..
for all the tears i’ve shed..
im still furious..
but, as much as i want to hate him..
i can’t seem to do it..
i still can’t help but think and reminisce ..
reminisce the happy moments we somehow spent with each other..
the sweet nothings we said to each one..
and every memory i have with him..
as much as i want to be friends with him again,.
it doesn’t seem so..
i think i’ve somehow regained my pride after him shattering it into pieces..
sometimes, thoughts against him are stored in my mind..
i curse him…
and eagerly wait for the day that he’ll come up to me and ask my help..
because everything he has seemed lost..
he’ll have no one to talk to but me..
i know it sounds selfish..
but you can’t blame my mind for thinking that way..
i’m only human..
i just can’t sit here and cry…
but, i take it from him..
he taught me how to be strong..
he taught me that somehow life is not just full of happy endings..
once in a while you are hurt and once in a while you love..
but that’s just how living is..
amidst the things that happened..
i have come to realize that there’s something constant in this world..
love of God of course, love from family and
TRUE friends..
that whatever may happen to me..
they will always be there..(i hope!!)
to nag and point out my wrong..
to say how stupid and crazy i am..
but still, to say that’s just how it is to love,..
and trust me, they always have those arms to hug and comfort you..
and that’s one thing to be very happy about..
you seldom find friends like that..
but, i’m also patiently waiting for the moment to come..
when i am already free from all the resentment i have..
when i am ready to embrace and totally forgive..
and when my heart will be open again
for lovable people who are equally capable of giving me love..
as i look at my life..
i know this is just a little test that God has given me..
there are lots to come..
but,
i’m ready for all of those!!

i am a human being..

Filed under: life..

i am a human being.. i must not hate myself for that!! i am a human being reaching out to another human being, i often don’t know how… i mut not hate myself for that!! i am learning how to love, i know much more than i used to know about loving but still it isn’t enough…. i must not hate myself for that!! i have needs.. i must not hate myself for that.. i reach out to you and find you are too afraid to reach back and i’m afraid you have rejected me.. and then i put up my wall and pretend i don’t need anyone..i mut not hate myself for that!! i want to tell you that i care, but sometimes my feelings overwhelm me and i hesitate.. i mut not hate myself for that!! i am so strong and loving, yet so weak and full of fear. i want to always be strong but i get scared sometimes… because i’m human… i must not hate myself for that i want to tell you who i am, everything i have inside me.. but you are not ready, perhaps you will never be.. i mut not hate you for that.. i am impatient but i am willing to wait, i am willing to grow, i’m frustrated and humiliated at my failures i feel like a child sometimes i feel discouraged and helpless but i will not hate myself for that for i am willing to grow and that is more important than feelings God help me to be content with growth for i am a human being and you have created me.. You do not hate what you have created …… and neither should I…

March 16, 2008

the solitary road…

Filed under: life..

I am once again lost. This wandering towards nowhere seems to be a futile quest. No matter how far I’ve traveled, i still find my self in the same old path, in the same old state- i still am lost. Every now
and then I am so certain that i am heading towards the right track. Yet this certainty fades as i approach what i thought of as my final destination. The radiance of the light that flickers from afar diffuses as i draw nearer. Disillusioned, fooled once again. How come i am always deceived by such trickery? On i go. This pointless pursuit ought to lead me somewhere. But where? The road towards north is as obscure as the road towards west. And South is as daunting as East as well. In this total state of confusion I went on. I pursued my quest in a dark, misty avenue. I’ve gone through every discernible road I laid my eyes on. Yet i still  am mislaid. I still am heading nowhere. And there was this road- the road less traveled by- the road i dare not take. This road is not an option. Not for a fearful fool like me. So i go on.

I am a lone traveler in a solitary road. I am at loss of destination, immersed in the obscurity of this journey. I do not know where to head to. I am… LOST..

words..

Filed under: thoughts..

 

                                                     words..

 

If i can put into words what I am feeling right now, then perhaps I would be writing one of the most wonderful compositions ever written. Yet this extreme emotion transcends every letter of the alphabet, its absoluteness cannot be contained by even the most powerful words. Perhaps words are the best expression of man’s inner thoughts, yet words simply cannot materialize man’s innermost feelings . True it is that words are powerful- they can strike one’s heart deeply, they can make one travel from one galaxy to another, they can create pictures in one’s mind. Yet words are mere words, they cannot fully capture and vividly express the genuine joy that emanates from the deepest recesses of one’s soul. Simply put, words can never equal the intensity of an actual feeling. Perhaps words can speak for one’s pain, yet it can never feel that pain. For PAIN in print is far more different from the pain felt in actuality - the type of pain that kills. Words can relay a single emotion, yet it can never speak for a million emotions that occur all at once. Words can describe JOY, but it can never see that joy from the perspective of the eyes that saw it and the heart that felt it. It can never match the intensity of an actual happiness- the one that makes one leap and shout and laugh out loud without even knowing why. Words can speak of love, but it can never tell exactly what love is. Words degrade LOVE by just equating it with joy, pain, patience, understanding, etc… LOVE is LOVE. It simply cannot be put into words. Yes i do recognize the power of words in conveying one’s innermost thought and emotions. Yet the reflection it creates is just a mere shadow of the actual. Vague, formless, hollow…

 

                                             

March 15, 2008

thank God..

Filed under: life..

whenever summer break comes up, all i do is stay at home and sulk in bed..there’s really nothing to do and even no money to spend and hang out in malls..how pathetic!! but nah, i’m so used to it.. i’m not the type who goes out every single day, suffice to say, i find happiness in my own solace..!! you think that sulking in bed won’t ever do someone any good, well, think again.. for in these times, i’m giving myself a break from all the stresses and pressures in life..it gives me time to think of what i did and how things have been going on in my life..it just gives me space from the oh-so-chaotic world and awards me with a clutter-free mind..i’ve practically been thinking and ruminating about who i’ve come to be right now.. so many ingredients mixed to produce such complicated lady.. if you call me a lady, that is..i don’t know if this is really what God wants me to be.. but nevertheless, if He placed me here, then there must be something out of it..i know i’ve not been the good daughter, helpful sister and perfect friend that you all expect me to be.. or i think, should i say what i expect myself to be.. as much as i want to please everyone around me, my actions and deeds doesn’t correspond to what i want to do.. there’s always something that hinders me from doing those things or circumstances don’t permit me to do so..sometimes, we are just in the wrong place at the wrong time but, oh, not with the wrong people, i guess.. but it seems that being in that situation makes it right.. for you see, it makes us understand that we are not here to live perfectly and we are not here to delight everyone..as long as we don’t step on other people and disrespect their rights, we can do whatever we want to do.. but of course, it’s always with limits.. for as quoted in a song "too much of something is bad enough.." there are those individuals who judge people quickly without even knowing them, stereotyping, the worst of it. or like judging someone with what he/she has done according to one source..but i must say that each one should know the other side of the coin… but i guess it isn’t always that easy, and you’ll just understand it when you’re faced with that situation..but i guess the most wonderful part of it is that even if many are thinking bad about you, the persons who truly understand you and accept you for who you are will never ever despise you..they may get angry, nag at you, point out your wrong but they will never ever condemn you and accept you with open arms.. i’m just so thankful with the friends i’ve come to know, thank you for whenever i’m with you, i can always be myself, yes, i admit i sometimes do make facade..but i’m just human, one way or another all of us may do that..thank you fro believing in my capabilities, skills and abilities..a big thanks for your listening ears and for all the laughters, tears, frowns and weary faces we’ve shared..you know who you are.. clues, anyone?! nah, whatever happens, you will always have a special place in my heart..

thank GOD for all the blessings, big and small.. most of all, thank God for giving me such a wonderful life,
sugar and spice and everything nice..
emoticon

March 14, 2008

a sea of reflections..

Filed under: thoughts..

The night sky.
The parade of stars.
The white sand.
The sound of the waves.
The cool breeze.
The echoes of laughter.
Jovial relatives.
Me.
Alone.
The soul of a poet.
Trapped in between.
Reminiscing.
The life that has been.
Memories.
Bittersweet.
The distant past.
Wounds.
Scars.
The courage.
The hesitation.
No,
A choice.
A decision.
The boldness.
To take a step.
To come out of the shell.
To open the window.
To look ahead.
To do what’s right.
To move forward.
*sigh*
It’s about time.

March 9, 2008

who am I?..

Filed under: life..

Elements combine to form a being, bits of blue, green and red and pieces of air, water and fire. Life begins as life is pursued. Its substance is seen when one endures and goes through with the complexity of its essence. Its irregularities are often seen and day by day, we journey to the world of the unknown. There is no definite answer to a question, no exact meaning to a sentence, no particular notion to what is happening and no precise understanding to what is yet to be encountered. Everything works in an abstract, whirls of different thoughts and ideas and swirls of imagination and perspectives. We cannot really comprehend what will happen next. However we try to lay out a game plan, it will never really happen that way. There are always deviations and variations. Things will not work exactly as they planned. But like an abstract, even if the colors may be varying in degree and tone, splashes may not be concentrated on one space and strokes are on different sides, still, what’s important in the end is that it creates a picture, an image; an image that you wouldn’t comprehend will be the result of such variance. So who am I? Perhaps, I am an abstract. I am made up of different angles, lines, and sides. There is no clear definition of who I am. One day, I am like this but the next day, I may be like that. I am never precise and I am never exact. I think and I long for answers yet disappointed and frustrated in the long run. People see me differently but despite such complexity, I am understood, maybe not clearly but somehow understood. I can freely express myself, maybe not fully for others but for me it is. They see me as an abstract painting and they have different concepts in their mind, it may be diverse and complicated but at least they have a glimpse and a picture of me. At the end of the day, the painter sees me the way she makes it. The painter tries to understand what she has done. The painter has an over-all image in her mind, though there will be times that she cannot identify such piece and would not be familiar with such diversity. She is unaware of what is happening and loses the touch of life. But after all, that’s what life is, an abstract in its own sense and unknowingly, I turn out to be the painter of this opus and the masterpiece in itself..

March 8, 2008

a TOAST to our friendship…

Filed under: friendship..

a toast to Our FRIENDSHIP…

friendship is about being with you at the end of the day,
no matter how gloomy or happy the day had been..
friendship is about sharing with you the silliest and craziest ideas i have in mind..
still accepting them and even saying way more ridiculous things..
friendship is about eating with you, may it be in fancy restaurants or in just some cheap eateries..
but still enjoying the slightest bit of food we all have..  
friendship is about window shopping in the malls, going in all of the boutiques,
and promising we’d be back for that favorite shirt we’ve been eyeing on..
and God only knows if we’d ever be back..
friendship is about just merely sitting with you, saying nothing but more or less feeling everything..
friendship is about looking for food to eat,
from burgers to hotdogs, from the famous kwek2 and well, the not-so-famous eaji..
proofs of our being gluttonous..
friendship is about walking, feeling alone and sad,
but eventually hearing someone call your name, and when you turn back,
all the fears you have vanishes in an instant just merely seeing the smiles on their faces..
friendship is about supporting each one with whatever she wishes to do but always with the right guidance..
friendship is about carefully saying what’s wrong on the other one’s outfit or if hair is all messed up.,
prudent enough not to hurt her feelings and making her feel good afterwards..
friendship is about laughing along the streets of jacinto, not minding if other people are watching..
doing funny acts that only us understand, and that only us can see it on such a way..
friendship is about exchanging knowledge about our subjects, discussing about rd’s and rle exams..
lending some books and giving some photocopies..
proofs that we value most our studies..
friendship is about pushing the other to move forward whenever she feels down and out..
friendship is about gossiping about other people, but justifying why we have said things,
oh yes, not-so-good things about another person..
friendship is about reading each one’s mind, and knowing what’s going on without even saying anything..
and by merely looking at each other, we’d laugh our minds off..
friendship is walking you home, not minding how late it is,
for as long as i’m with the both of you, everything would be meaningful..
friendship is about running in the rain, completely savoring each drop that falls..
not minding if we’d all get soaked up and get all wet..
friendship is about watching movies together..
from the sappy romantic comedy films that would make our hearts leap out and eventually sigh and say, "awww"
up to horror movies that would leave us screaming our lungs out only to find out that nothing scary appeared on screen..
friendship is about practicing with you for the upcoming debut..
and no matter how tiring and annoying some people are, still we’d be happy knowing we have each one to back us up..
friendship is about together making new friends and leaving room in our hearts for some more..
friendship is about being called angels by our everdearest leader..
friendship is about sitting with you drinking coffee and eating cake..
just simply talking and oh yes, going to the comfort room together watching while the other pees..
friendship is about dancing with you the whole night long,
extremely shocked with the way the other dances but saying nothing and just having fun..
friendship is about being with you in one of the comfiest places we’ve ever been..
having some shots and  reminding each one to watch out for ourselves if we can still have another..
friendship is all about exploring new stuffs without regrets
because we know that together, it would all be worthwhile..
friendship is all about going to the chapel with you to pray..
and believing in the wonderful works of God..
friendship is standing firm with our values and beliefs..
friendship is together accepting what lies ahead for all of us..
even if how hurting it would be..
friendship is together learning how to grow and embrace the challenges that GOD will give us..
friendship is having the courage and strength to understand the journey of life..
friendship is believing in the power of love and that whatever happens,
the three of us will always be the best of friends..
friendship is all about walking with you hand in hand under the moonlit sky,
together reaching for the stars and finding our place in the sun..
most importantly, friendship would be useless without the two of you…
i found more meaning in this ten-letter word..
because,
FRIENDSHIP is all about simply being with the both of you, shy and kat2..emoticon